Holy Fear

To others I appear strong and smart and good and confident. But to some I appear arrogant, pushy, and know-it-all. Some overlook me and see me as insignificant if they even see me. Some do not trust me. And I seem aloof and distant or even stand-offish to some.

But what I am inside is really a rollercoaster of all of these things - these perceptions - and more. Deep down, all I want is to be me as Jesus sees, wants, intends me to be.

Jesus - God - is the one who holds all things including me in existence. He intentionally thinks of me and in love wills my existence. His confidence lies in who He is. That is not my calling. I am not called to look within and have my confidence inwardly - in who I am. No, my confidence must be, come what may, in who Jesus is. This world preaches constantly. It's sermon is self-love, self-confidence, independence, being powerful, in control and calling your own shots. This is a message bereft of truth, humility and fear.

Father John spoke during Lent of the gift of Holy Fear. Saint Joseph, as the silent saint, had a ministry of obedience founded in this gift of Holy Fear. I have been told that I have a calling to ministry. This has been true my whole Christian life. But what I have asked for since the days courting your mom in Daytona is the gift of Holy Fear - I didn't call it that at the time. I have added the ministry of obedience in my prayer - like Joseph. To be in the background, obediently doing, not receiving much credit, no accolades.

Jesus has placed a sensitiveness at my core. Sensitive to wanting Him, sensitive to seeing the hurt of others, sensitive to want to give relief. It is of Him, from Him. It isn't natural to the human condition. I pray it increases and I don't snuff it out (pride will do that). That through Holy Fear and the ministry of obedience it increases. So that on that day I am before Him, my only accolade is from Him - that I allowed Him to love through me. To love Him, to love your mom, to love all of you, and to love His Church and all mankind that he intentionally and lovingly holds in existence.